Night cry

This is who I am.

Those who know me know I'm impulsive, I'm abrasive, I say things out of my heart that sometimes I regret afterwards... even if I was sincere when I said it.
I sometimes hurt other people's feelings, as much as they've hurt mine and will continue to do so. I can forgive, even if they can't.
I never was too afraid or too proud to say "I'm sorry" and "Forgive me".
Also, I never was afraid to say "I miss you" or "I love you".
Those who know me also know that when I say any of those things, I mean it.

That's part of the problem, I guess. Some people are so used of being surrounded by posers wearing masks that when they see someone like me, without any mask, wearing nothing but my heart up my sleeve, they don't really know how to react to heartfelt speech. So, they just back off and leave no room for an appology, even if it's due.


I am proud of who I am, of how I feel about things and how openly I speak of what I feel, even when other people don't agree or feel uncomfortable with it. Stubborn people who don't understand this will only get likewise stubborness from me, even if I feel like I have a black hole inside my chest, instead of a heart.

That's why I try taking care of my problems on my own. Pride is my nemesis.
I hate showing weakness, even more so to people who have turned their back on me, even shunned me, for being 'me': for saying what's in my heart.
I never ask for help unless I actually need it - if something happened that is way too big for me to handle alone. And I would never disguise an appology with a help request, because that's not who I am.

So, if you're out there and you got a help request from me, know this: if I turned to you for help is because I really needed it and trusted you enough to ask, even if I had to swallow all of my pride before doing so.

This is the time when the size of a soul reveals itself: whether you choose to reach out with an open hand to help me in a critical time, or keep your back turned and pretend you did not hear my cry... this says more about yourself than it says about me.

I am an open book to those who can read me.
I am sincere, even in my regrets.
I regret being so stupid to think people would understand the difference between a fake request and a deep cry for help.
I regret being so stupid to believe in the best of people's heart.
But I will never regret having said "I love you" - and this time won't be any different. Because I love the way I feel and I love the way I love: openly, pureheartedly, always willing to forgive and take it from there.

Too bad some people are so used to fakes that they cannot recognize the real deal when they find it right in front of them - standing proud or crying for help, both genuine, both deeply felt.

Love me or hate me. Take it or leave it.
This is my way of loving. And loving you, for all that matters... even if you can't understand any of this.

This is who.I.am.